UNWELCOME
by Patcat
Summary: From Alex's past.


UNWELCOME

Alex Eames blew a strand of hair out of her face. She hated shopping—she'd obviously not received the gene for it—and she particularly hated shopping for clothes. And she particularly hated shopping for clothes at a crowded store. But she liked good, well-made clothes, and needed new business suits for some of her new job's responsibilities, and a sale of said business suits wasn't something she was going to ignore. She'd managed to find a dark navy suit that fit her and fought her way through the petite section to find a grey suit that was only slightly too long for her. A clerk, seeing a chance for a good sale, quickly offered Alex free tailoring and a break on the price of three dress shirts. Alex accepted the offers, left the grey suit for its adjustments, and worked her way through the crowd. If she hadn't been dealing with so many bags, or congratulating herself on her bargains, or calculating how much was left on her credit card, or anticipating lunch with her sister and nephew, Alex might have been more aware of her surroundings, and she might have seen the heavily made up, dyed blonde woman.

"Alex!"

Alex heard her name called just as she pushed through the door to get outside. It'd been such a long time since she heard it that she barely recognized the voice, and she hoped it might be her imagination. She pushed on to the sidewalk, but a food vendor blocked part of her way and much of the population of Manhattan seemed to block the rest. She hesitated, and was lost.

"Alex!"

Alex winced. She knew that voice. A hand clutched her arm.

"Alex! It's been so long! How are you?"

Alex set her face and turned. "Hello, Deidre."

Deidre was Joe's oldest sister, the woman who'd been forced as bridesmaid on Alex, who'd almost been forced on Alex as her Maid of Honor until both Alex and Joe joined forces to tell Deirdre and Joe's mother in no uncertain terms that Alex wasn't going to have a woman she barely knew stand next to her on the altar, especially when Alex had two sisters far more worthy of the position. DeeDee was a constant irritant during the time up to the wedding. Just when Alex was certain the woman had been taken care of, something else would come up. DeeDee couldn't wear that color or that style. She couldn't carry those flowers. She commented, negatively, about everything Alex planned. Joe, bless him, tried to reign in both his sister and his mother, and he was vocally and actively on Alex's side. But DeeDee couldn't or wouldn't take a hint—indeed, she wouldn't take a two by four up the side of her head. Things came to a head at the wedding rehearsal when DeeDee's actions finally caused Alex to snap. Alex ran down the altar steps and the aisle and seized DeeDee before the woman knew what hit her. Alex pushed DeeDee outside the church and read her the riot act.

"Well, if you didn't want me," DeeDee began to whine.

"I didn't want you," Alex said coldly. "I don't want you. You're here out of courtesy to your family. But this isn't your wedding. And I've got news for you. You're not the bride. I am."

Alex spun on her heels and saw Joe standing in the church door. He smiled at Alex.

"You sure are," he said warmly. "You want to be part of this wedding, DeeDee, you behave yourself. I don't want to take sides. I shouldn't have to. But if I do, it's with Alex."

As far as Alex knew, DeeDee behaved herself after that. If she caused any trouble, Alex's sisters may have shielded Alex, but it may have been Alex's threat that she'd yank DeeDee off the altar that kept the older woman quiet. Alex was far too happy during the wedding and the reception to pay any attention to DeeDee or her mother, both of whom had been quite noisy about their criticisms of all of the arrangements.

"Are you happy with things?" Alex asked Joe.

"I am," Joe told her. "And I like that we're not paying a lot. I'm with you. I don't want to start our marriage in debt from the wedding. And I've told Mom and DeeDee that."

It was after Joe and Alex returned from their honeymoon that Alex learned that while DeeDee and Mrs. Dutton had, even while complaining about the reception site and food, enthusiastically enjoyed the open bar to a point where both women engaged in behavior that caused them to avoid the Eames family. This didn't bother the Eames family, and even some members of the Dutton family, who weren't great fans of the duo. Alex learned and understood why Joe often preferred quick and infrequent visits to some of his family.

"I love 'em," Joe told Alex one Christmas when he took several aspirin as they departed his family's gathering. "But God know there're times when I don't like some of them very much."

DeeDee and Joe's mother were wary of Alex, especially after they dropped one too many hints that it was time for Alex and Joe to start a family. Alex finally exploded and told DeeDee that if anyone should worry about her biological clock it was a woman who was five years older than her and so far had managed to have a lot of husbands but not one of her own. It was a horrible thing to say, but DeeDee's barbs were too close to hitting what was becoming a serious issue in Alex and Joe's marriage.

Two weeks later Alex stood in an emergency room and stared down at Joe's body. His partner Kevin, an assistant chief—ironically, enough, Kenny Moran—and men with bits of shiny brass on their uniforms waited in the hall. Alex had pushed past the ER personnel and into the cubicle where Joe lay. She shoved the curtain shut behind her, determined to have a last moment with her husband.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm sorry we fought this morning. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the baby. I'm sorry it wasn't me. I'm sorry I wanted it to be that other cop. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." She touched his cheek. "I don't know why I'm saying this. I'm not sure what I believe or if you can hear me. But I do love you. Please know that." A sob threatened to seize her. "No. Not now. I won't let them…Can't let them see me cry." She straightened, set her shoulders, and turned. She considered finding a gun or running away, but she swallowed, pulled the curtain back, and faced the world.

Over the next days, weeks, and months, Alex frequently considered running away at least and killing herself at worst. Anything to stop the terrible, throbbing pain that started behind her heart and radiated through her body, or the hollow emptiness that came when the pain reached its peak. The emptiness seemed worse than the pain. She showed none of this to the world. Eameses didn't cry, especially not in front of Eameses. Duttons, on the other hand—or at least two members of the Dutton family—cried a lot, and in public. DeeDee and Joe's mother, weeping copiously, burst into the funeral home office where Alex, accompanied by her father and oldest brother, was planning Joe's funeral. Alex recoiled as the two women wailed and cried, and her father and brother were stunned. They didn't know how to deal with hysterical women. Once she recovered from her shock, Alex did.

"Get out of here," she said firmly. "Get out of here if you can't control yourselves and help. I know you just lost your brother and son, but I just lost my husband, and I'm having to bury him. I'm sorry, but I can't do that and deal with the two of you."

Alex left them and followed the mortician into his office.

"You must think I'm pretty cold and heartless," she said as they neared the end of their discussion.

"No," the funeral director said. His voice was warm and gentle, and Alex sensed this was a good, kind man who'd found a profession that suited and reinforced the best of his character. "I know that quiet grief may be deeper than all the sobbing in the world."

"Thank you," Alex said.

DeeDee and Mrs. Dutton kept their distance from Alex in the next awful days. Joe's father, who'd just retired from the NYPD and whom Alex had always liked, stumbled around like a ghost. Alex occasionally caught a whiff of Irish whiskey when the man passed by her, but she didn't begrudge him that crutch, especially when her father and brothers were using the same aid. It tempted Alex, but she feared that, just as if she started crying she'd never stop, if she started drinking she wouldn't stop until she was unconscious. Joe's younger, fireman brother circled on the fringes, occasionally trying to apologize for his sister and mother's behaviors. Joe's younger sister arrived the day of the funeral and left that evening, and Alex vaguely recalled Joe telling her that Eileen dealt with their family by staying as far away from it as possible. Alex couldn't blame her. Alex later realized that her family protected her from a great deal during those days, including the details of the investigation into Joe's murder and DeeDee and Mrs. Dutton's actions. The two played their roles of grieving women so well that some outsiders thought DeeDee was the widow.

Alex also kept things from her family. She didn't tell them that her rise to Detective Second Class created a serious problem for Joe, who felt Alex was leaving him in her professional wake. She didn't tell them that Joe was increasingly happy with her posting in Vice. She didn't tell them that Joe was increasingly pressuring her to have a baby. And she certainly didn't tell them that the day before Joe's death her doctor told her she was several weeks pregnant. She didn't tell anyone the reason she fled to the bathroom during the days after Joe's death wasn't because she was too upset to face anyone but because she suffered from morning sickness. She didn't tell anyone that a week after the funeral she woke in the middle of the night to terrible cramps and bleeding. She didn't let the kind and worried cabdriver call anyone for her. She didn't let the equally kind and worried doctors and nurses call anyone. She spent one day in the hospital—the loneliest, worst day of her life, even worse than the night Joe died—and left in spite of the doctors and the nurses. She was back at work in two days.

She got through the wake and the funeral by taking care of everyone else and clinging to the rituals of the NYPD and the Catholic Church. She had serious differences with both institutions, especially the latter, but both saved her. The incense, the music, the readings, soothed her. The presence of so many cops lifted and carried her. It was years later, when she learned that Bobby Goren was the other cop in the hospital's emergency room that night, that she discovered that the tall, very pale, cop she saw in a corner of the church was Bobby.

Alex had barely seen Joe's family since the funeral. His father, crushed by his eldest son's death, died two years later from a heart attack, if you believed in those, or a broken heart, if you believed in that. Alex respected and liked the man and mourned his loss. She went to the funeral home for the wake, but left after DeeDee hit her with a barrage of questions. It was early in her partnership with Bobby, but he recognized she was upset when she came into work the next day. He gently questioned her when they went to lunch.

"I think I understand," he said. "You liked him, but didn't know him well. And it must have been difficult to be with Joe's family."

Alex stabbed a tomato and considered how much she could or should reveal to Bobby.

"Yea," she finally said. "It's just. I ran into Joe's oldest sister. DeeDee…Never liked her. Joe didn't like her all that much. She asked all the wrong questions. Said all the wrong things. And with this superior air."

Bobby nodded.

"I don't know why I let her get to me. I certainly don't respect her or care about her or what she thinks. I'm probably never going to see her again."

"She may bring up questions you have about your life," Bobby said carefully.

"I'm very happy with my life," Alex said sharply. "I love my work, I have my family…"

"Doubts, even when we know we're right. Even the most confident person, like you, it can happen," Bobby said.

Alex smiled when Bobby spoke of her confidence. "I wish I was that person," she said. "And I really wish I'd felt that way when I ran into DeeDee."

As she stood on the cold sidewalk, Alex again wished she had that confidence. After all the years, DeeDee could still in a few moments and with little effort, make Alex feel small and unworthy.

"How does she do it?" Alex thought. "I've got to get away from her."

"I was so sorry to hear about what happened," DeeDee said in a tone that indicated she wasn't that sorry. "I know your job was your life, especially after Joe."

Alex vaguely remembered that at some point DeeDee had married some member of the Brass. She was the second wife, just young enough to be considered a trophy.

"But," DeeDee continued. "You know everyone said that weird partner of yours would bring you down…"

Alex jerked away from DeeDee's grasp and glared at the woman. She did not have the right to badmouth Bobby Goren.

"What," Alex asked coldly. "Do you know about me? Or Robert Goren?"

"Alex. The whole department…"

"It was never the whole department. I refuse to believe it was even most of the department. And it certainly wasn't the best people in the department." Feelings Alex had kept under cover for a long time bubbled up. DeeDee became everyone and everything that caused those feelings. "And my life is good. I don't need a man or a job to define me."

A small group of people were starting to watch and listen, and Alex realized DeeDee was becoming embarrassed. Now she couldn't get away, and Alex didn't care.

"And you know how I learned that?" Alex continued. "Bobby Goren. Working with him, knowing him, having him as a friend, made me a better person. I'd rather have his good opinion than all of the Brass and politicians. Now excuse me. I'm going to have lunch with my family."

Alex spun. She almost hit one woman with her bags and nearly rammed into a parked bicycle, but she still left DeeDee staring after her.

She'd calmed considerably by the time she met Mary and Nate for lunch. Nate told excitedly of his latest adventures at school, his successes in Pee Wee basketball, and the antics of his rapidly growing kitten. The three of them shared a gooey, chocolate dessert, although much of it disappeared into Nate. The chirping of Alex's cell phone interrupted them. Alex pulled it out, smiled, and sent a quick text message.

"It's good to see you smiling again, Lex," Mary said warmly. "I'm glad you landed on your feet."

"I think I may have done a lot better than that," Alex said.

"I'm glad you're happy, Aunt Alex," Nate said. Chocolate circled his mouth.

Alex smiled. "Me too, Nate."

"We need to get going, kiddo," Mary said. "Do you need a ride, Lex?"

"No. That's what that message was," Alex said. "As a matter of fact, my ride just got here."

Nate looked out the window at a black Mustang pulling up in a spot.

"Bobby!" the boy cried.

"Hang on, Nate," Mary laughed. "Let me wipe off your face so you don't cover Bobby in chocolate."

Nate impatiently endured his cleaning. As soon as his mother released him, the boy threw on his coat and rushed to the door. Alex walked quickly to catch up with her nephew.

"Bobby!" Nate ran.

"Hey, Nate," Bobby said and bent to hug the boy. "It's good to see you."

Alex and Mary watched and listened as Nate excitedly spoke to Bobby, who listened intently to the boy.

"C'mon, Nate," Mary finally and gently said. "We need to get going."

"But I want to talk more with Bobby," Nate insisted.

"I promised your Aunt Alex that I'd go to your Grandpa and Grandma Eames' house this Sunday," Bobby said. "We can talk then, ok?"

"Promise?"

"Promise."

Nate beamed. Bobby's promises were never broken.

"Thanks, Bobby," Mary said. "It's always good to see you. Look forward to Sunday."

"So," Alex said as Bobby held the car door open for her. "Your interviews didn't take as long as you thought."

"It was pretty clear that none of the store's employees know anything about the losses. I'm convinced it's one of the truck drivers," Bobby said. "We just need to compare the routes and times, and I think we'll know who."

"The store's managers will be glad to know it isn't one of their people," Ales said. "Looks like you had a productive morning."

"Looks like you had a good morning too." Bobby nodded towards the packages in the back seat.

"Yea. And not as expensive as I thought it might be. Thanks for covering for me."

"What partners do," Bobby said cheerfully. "And Jimmy signed off on it."

"He's a good boss," Alex said.

"Always was." Bobby smiled. "Everything ok?"

"Yes," Alex said. "I've got a great job. I've got a great partner and friend. Everything is great."

END

All of the stuff about Alex and Joe and their families is sheer speculation on my part.

Patcat


End file.
